If you’re anything like me, you probably spend a lot of time parked in front of the TV. What can possibly be better? As I sit, remote in one hand and Cheetos in the other, I am ready and willing to let my brain reach a comparable activity level to sleeping. And I know I’m not alone in doing this. Let’s face it, folks. Americans love the idiot box. Where else can one get the "Anna Nicole Show," "SpongeBob SquarePants" and war coverage all while reclining on a couch stuffing his face?

Turning on the TV to cable news channels 47, 20 and 21, I often find myself shocked and awed. I am not blown away by the bravery of our brave boys bravely fighting, as portrayed by the android Wolf Blitzer on CNN. The nighttime temperatures of Qatar don’t stick in my head. I simply am amazed at how little news I watch when I watch the news, even with all the stories about our coalition forces liberating suicide bombers.

You see, when I watch these programs, I wonder when America’s Most Trusted Source for News became the National Self-Delusion Channel. But after all, I’m just watching TV. If Americans want to consume enough unilateral nationalism to give the world a diplomatic ulcer, then that is their Constitutional right. All I can do is hold a rally in the middle of an expressway, holding hands with dirty hippies and singing songs by the Yardbirds, right?

No. I can make use of my First Amendment right to mock that old idiot box and the frosted news personalities inside it.

My contempt does not only go for the CNN, MSNBC and Fox News people. Headline News seems to run only a lot of regurgitated CNN stories, which are harmlessly substance-free.

However, Fox News is on a level all its own. You, unless you are a straight, white Republican male, are below this level, and Fox News would like to assure you of this fact. You may redeem yourself by converting to the Right, hating the French and accepting everything Shawn Hannity tells you as gospel.

What is more, MSNBC is to Fox News as Headline News is to CNN. Witness the firing of Peter Arnett if you don’t believe me. Fox and Friends, (i.e. MSNBC and Fox News), are pretty far from fair and balanced. That’s okay, though, because none of this can really touch me. Operation Iraqi Freedom, as seen by this average Joe, is a TV show.

Every day we are bombarded by teary stories about the troops of "our coalition forces," who left their sons, daughters, ex-spouses, current spouses and stepchildren at home. Most people feel their hearts swell with pride at these tales of the bravery of American troops. Retired Army generals are now TV "experts" who inspire you to support our troops. They are also getting paid to glorify a war that Vietnam veteran retirement funds are going toward. My heart swelling can only be directly attributed to those Cheetos. Unlike so many people, I do not feel pride when watching war coverage. I mostly feel the urge to turn the channel back to SpongeBob for a more realistic view of life.

But in either case, how much information is actually supplied from these places? Many times I have seen stories break that run along the lines of "Breaking news! Reuters says there will be breaking news soon!" I find myself wondering: why do I bother to watch war coverage in the first place?

The problem is simple: too many times, too many retired generals pretending to know what is going on, too many flashy blue graphics with bullets detailing what happened in the last war and what bombs look like these days. It’s all so showy, so commercialized; CNN and Fox News are selling you this war.

Let’s face it; Operation Iraqi Freedom, TV news style, has become a TV drama miniseries event. It has all the strange feelings of displacement you get from "Passions" and none of the midgets. This war is a funny thing, or rather a collection of funny things wrapped up in shiny red, white and blue cellophane, beating against our collective temples.

Thank goodness we have Fox News and MSNBC to translate it all for us. Without them, after all, we would all fall under the spell of the Liberal Media. Our only savior is the Fair and Balanced (if you are a Republican) News Channel. War coverage marathon stations supply us all with people like Hannity and Colmes, or Bill O’Riley and his "No Spin Zone." Without their benevolent influence we would be overrun by stampeding peace protesters and movie stars who have learned how to hold up two fingers.

After all, without these fair and balanced reporters, how many poor, innocent but unknowing Americans would still be eating French fries? TV news encourages Congress members to be as needlessly nationalist as the media wants America to be. Everyone now eats Freedom Fries, with all the enjoyment of fries but none of the anti-American, subversive French pacifism. Don’t forget to buy lots of French wine and flush it down the toilet. This may be both counterproductive and a waste of water, since the French winemakers still get the profits off the flushed wine you paid for. But who cares? We have to support the troops!

Furthermore, how better to show your support for the "coalition forces" than to bash on anyone who makes use of their First Amendment right to disagree with this war? After all, why can’t those guys just sit at home like the rest of us? Those people have no right to use their rights. We should be patriotic. Soak up every emotion that the expressionless Wolf Blitzer or the sneering Miss Greta Van Sustren tells us to have. Because remember, there’s nothing so American as that good old idiot box.

-Return to May 2003 Issue-